“I Wish I Had Never Had Kids”

Parents all over the World, calm yourselves.  This is not my statement because I don’t actually HAVE any kids.

Nor do I plan to in the future.  Ever.  I might as well use my womb for carrying around other things, like my phone or my keys as it is never to be an oven in which a bun will bake.  Just born without that maternal urge I guess.

So much so it appears, that when I heard a friend say ‘I wish I had never had kids’, it got me thinking.  Did they really mean that?   So I pushed it a little further.

‘Yeah, but you don’t mean that, right?’ I asked waiting for the usual ‘No of course not, I’m just tired’ response.  What I actually got back was:

‘Hell yeah I do!  I love my kids, of course I do, but if I could go back in time and NOT have them….sure!  NO ONE tells you how hard it is going to be and NO ONE would believe you if they did. I wasn’t prepared for how much I would have to REALLY give up to be a parent’.

They then looked at me, waiting for me to pass judgement, as I’m sure in parenting circles, this kind of statement is somewhat frowned upon.  I had no response.  Not having any emotional connection to a child (apart from my nephews, which I’m told by parents is not the same as your own), I had no strong reaction to their comment.

‘I mean, you MUST understand, you’ve chosen not to have kids so you must see what I mean’

And I do.  You can harp on at me until you are blue in the face about the ‘joys’ of parenting and how rewarding it is and I will STILL be thinking ‘yeah but so is a mojito at the end of a hard day, and sure kids are a blessing, but silence is golden’ and being very happy to return to my toy free, tidy-as-I-left-it house and do whatever I want with my evening.

I 100% understand that just because you want a child doesn’t mean that once it actually happens to you, you are going to enjoy it or even be good at it.

But, I am starting to find that my opinion on children is not one that many others hold, so I went to Facebook and asked a question

“Is it ok to say I wish I had never had kids”

Well, I have since learnt that asking that question is never going to go down well, especially with people that have kids.

I dont think its acceptable for someone to say they never had their kids but obviously your guna wonder what life would be like it u hadnt’

But if you loved them why would you wish you never had them?

To say this was my most popular post would be an understatement, with well over 50 comments from different people.  Only two people involved, one of them me, did not have kids however even she was not happy with this statement.

“Ooh no I definitely don’t think it’s acceptable. I understand you may wonder how life may have been different or maybe you wish you’d had them earlier or Later ..But If you actually wish you’d never had your kids then something’s not right! If you didn’t want kids shouldn’t have had them.. It’s easy enough to not get pregnant. That’s how I see it!”

None of the parents seemed able to separate the love from the situation, which is testament to how strong that love must be.

So, I asked another friend of mine who isn’t maternal either but has a baby none the less how she felt about it.

“Look Vik, the thing is, when you have a kid, you can’t stop the love, even if you want to. The worst thing and probably the reason that the parents in your chat were so defensive about it is you can’t imagine hurting your child and if they heard you say that, it would hurt them.  But I totally get it.  I love my son more than anything and if it was him or me I would give my life for him every time……but if I could push a button and not know any different, well, yeah I would push it”

It made me think about why I wasn’t shocked by it.  Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE I have asked about this has been shocked and said it is an awful thing to say, but I disagree.  WHY is it?

Why is it so horrible to want a life that doesn’t involve being a parent?

I get told (and slightly patronised) by people all the time that say I will never understand parenting unless I have a child.  And they are partly right.

So what happens if you bite the bullet, have a baby and then, when it is too late, realise that you can’t cope?  You can’t handle it.  It’s just not for you.  I’ll admit that this is one thought that has come up again and again in my choice to not have children.  it’s not a sweater I can return to the shop and ask for my life back if I don’t like it or it doesn’t fit right.

For the people out there that aren’t natural parents, it is a worry.

I think it is perfectly justified to have that emotion and to even say it.  I wish I had never had kids.  Maybe not to your kids directly, but you should not be chastised or accused of not loving your children just because what came naturally for most didn’t happen for you.

And I also think that fellow parents should be the ones that understand more than anyone.  And I bet if you are honest, all parents have thought it at one point or another and not just as a fleeting thought either when their kids are naughty.

I am sure that I will not be a parent in my life and the older I get, the more sure I am that I was not made to be a mother.  But if an accident did happen, and I was suddenly a parent, I’m sure that I will think back to a time before kids on a regular basis.

I don’t think that would make me a bad mother, I think it will prove that I am after all, only human and that parenting is hard.

I would like to thank every single person that contributed to the Facebook chat we had the other day regarding this post and I regret that I couldn’t use all of your comments! ❤

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com


14 thoughts on ““I Wish I Had Never Had Kids”

  1. Great post! I am a mom myself and honestly believe people just need to know their own limits. If you don’t want kids- no one should try to convince you otherwise because they are not the ones raising them! Parenting is hard! I had severe PPD after C was born and yes I had moments where I thought: WHAT HAVE I DONE!? But now I can’t imagine life without him. It’s not easy but it’s my choice. I think we all need to respect each other’s choices in choosing to parent or not.

  2. Hi Frickingvikki, I’ve just found your blog and love it!

    I am a mother of two but I have several friends who have decided not to have kids and they have said exactly what you discuss in our blog post: The society in general seems think that it is unacceptable for one to CHOOSE not to have kids, and it’s even worse if you openly announce it.
    I suppose we need more people who openly announce that they do not want to have kids and hopefully the views will eventually change.

    I’ll be following your blog for more great posts!

    1. Hi Brightoneagle! Thank you so much for your kind comments and I hope you enjoy my blogs going forward! Don’t forget you can sign up to receive my blog by email on my page!

      I think you’re right, the more we talk about it being acceptable to both not want kids and to have doubts once you have had kids, the more poeple will be able to make the right choice for them. No one should ever feel pressured into doing anything and it continues to shock me that these days in this country, women are still hearing ‘so when is it your turn’ and ‘Don’t worry, you’ll be next’ or even ‘You better hurry’. Surely it is just as responsible to admit that you couldn’t do it, than it is to have a child when you don;t think you can just to conform to an ideal or in case you regret it one day.

  3. I LOVE this post! I am right there with you. I have chosen not to have children and I just turned 40 and have NEVER had the urge to procreate. I don’t dislike children, in fact, I love seeing my friends’ kids and hearing all about them, I just don’t want any of my own. You hit the nail on the head with my #1 fear of having kids….since I have no desire, I know I would obviously love my kid, but I have a strong feeling that I would secretly wish that I could go back in time and not have them (and then spend a lifetime feeling guilty and like a bad parent for feeling that way). I don’t think everyone is cut out to be parents and that’s okay!! I also think it’s wrong for those that have kids to accuse those that choose not to as being ‘selfish’…that makes my blood boil when I hear that. I think people should only have kids if they really, truly want to take that on and those that know it’s not in them should rightly choose not to. Excellent post!!

    1. Thanks Vicky! Maybe it’s a Vikki/Vicky thing lol! Makes me mad when people say that it’s selfish to not have kids; surely if that is the case then it could be said it is more selfish to make a life for your own satisfaction. I wanted to make sure that I raised the point that parents should be supportive of other parents, regardless of how their experiences have occurred. Having a baby changes your life and you cannot image how until after it has happened. Thank you for taking the time to comment and I’m glad you liked the post 🙂

  4. I don’t have kids either, but at 26 I can’t definitively so no I would never want kids ever because that could change one day, but as of right now, I know I’m not in the headspace for kids and I think that’s the most important thing for someone to consider when they decide to have kids. Your ready to have kids when your mature, responsible, and able to put you desires and wants aside for someone else. So many people now days have kids like their ordering a big mac from mcdonalds (like it’s no big deal) and don’t stop to ask theirselves if they are truly ready to have kids. That’s why there are a lot of messed up people in the world now……

  5. This is very interesting. As a mother, I couldn’t imagine making a statement like that. But, I too didn’t want children for a long, long time. Now, I have one, and I have an entirely different perspective.

    I will say that I don’t think it’s necessary for parents to always follow up how hard and challenging parenting is by saying “but it’s so rewarding, I wouldn’t change it for the world”, etc. etc. Parenting is hard. Period.

  6. I think people need to think long and hard before having a child, I really do. I admire you for openly saying that you don’t want to have children – many have children too soon, for all the wrong reasons or because they feel it’s the next step in their life. They really haven’t thought about what bringing up a child really means. I have no children but I am passionate about adopting a child/children when I am older and have lived my life selfishly first. There is no ‘not know any different’ button and I am well aware of this. Saying that, I am well aware that every parent needs time out and some help no matter how much they prepared for their child, love their child and would do anything for their child. It’s the hardest job in the world and if people were brave enough to admit having children isn’t for them like you have (even if personally, I think your level headedness makes me think you’d be a great mum) the world would be a better place.
    I love reading your honest and thought provoking posts ❤

    1. Aww thanks Lois! Lovely little comment that! ❤ I am level headed but also short tempered, impatient and a monster when sleep deprived! Lol! Not things that kids go well with 🙂

  7. I have three kids, and adore them beyond belief. While I have never had the thought of wanting to not be a parent I understand the frustration and wondering on if you can do it. To me the hard times have just been part of it. Although before kids I was a nanny and a preschool teacher, so I knew a little more on what I was getting myself into with kids. As much as you can without actually having them. I do think that looking at parent’s as people, who have limits, faults, and things they might not be good at is a good thing. Somehow being a parent has meant being near perfect, with Pinterest like activities, organic food all the time, no yelling, and ending it with Instagram style pictures of the kids at the end of the day. If you re not doing that there is a sense of you are not doing it right. I also grew up in a tough family, with teen parents who probably should not have been parents when they did. Some people, no matter how much love will just never be the parent that the child actually needs. I think admitting that you are just not made for Mommyhood is the best thing you can do. Being a parent out of obligation, tradition, or as it being the things to do is never a reason. It is such a big job, and I think a lot of people maybe would choose not to be parents if they felt strong enough to voice this.

  8. Out of four girls, two of us have kids and LOVE them to pieces and two decided kids were just not for them. They enjoy being Aunts. I have two friends, both ironically turning 50 this year, that never wanted children. I say to each her own. No explanation necessary.

    And for mothers, we are human. You need a break. You need to miss your kids at times and they need to miss you. For those fortunate to have grandparents close by, you may be able to get the break you need to avoid those “I wish I never had kids” moments.

  9. When I got married 4 years ago, I knew I wanted kids. I thought I’d just be a natural mother. Then my daughter was born almost 2 years later and I realized I had no idea what I was doing. It IS okay to regret having kids; it makes you normal! I do get those thoughts sometimes, that I wish I had my free time back… but like your friend said, as a parent you just can’t imagine hurting your kid. I love my daughter dearly, and I don’t think I’d change my circumstances at all, but parenting’s definitely not for everyone and if you don’t want to have kids I’ll be the first to encourage you to live the way you want to. =)

  10. Agreed x1013982! I actually have a post scheduled in May about this topic! I don’t want kids and haven’t ever wanted them, and while I can’t predict the future and say that I’ll never want them, I’m fairly convinced my mind is not going to change. There are so many other things I’d rather do with my life. There are so many kids out there who are around just because their parents “felt like having kids was expected of them” (let’s not get into the ones who keep procreating to increase their welfare check, because that just makes my blood boil ._.) or don’t bother trying to raise their kids + take care of them. I really think more people should really, truly think about whether or not they want + are ready for children.

  11. I have 2 kids and I am 40 years. I wish I never listened to anyone and went with my gut instincts. Being a parent is not for me.

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